Did I lust you or love you?

*Disclaimer*

For every person involved in my blogs I write about from a romantic perspective names will be changed due to respecting their privacy. I also disclaim that these love blogs are based on my OWN perspective and that in no way shape or form are they there to diss the person I'm writing about.

Anyway; what is lust? How do you define it? I suppose from my own experience I consider it to be an earth-shattering, mindblowing experience. You look at a person with so many emotions it is difficult to explain the feelings you are feeling. You want to be in their company 24/7, it is like an addiction and the only way to get your fix is to be around them. Every-time they look at you in that certain sexy way you are ready to forget about everything apart from them. Every-time they touch your skin electricity seeps through your body like you are getting an electric shock. Your brain goes into overdrive you think about them from the second moment you wake up until you go to sleep. You imagine your whole life with them in the future; from thinking about your wedding and how many children you are going to have. You live in a bubble, a dream world anything that makes you forget about the outside world.

And then one day it shatters into pieces and you have reached the point where you can't think straight because for so long that person has meant everything to you and you have forgotten the importance of those closest to you because your mind has been consumed with that person; YOUR person and your life feels like a tumbling mess.

YES, I am of millions of girls who have experienced this. You feel like you have lost yourself in the process because you have put your life on hold for that person you cared so much for. Somebody who was so very damaged and had started to put their issues and their past into the PRESENT THAT YOU SHARE.

Is love what I described lust for? Does love and lust connect? Was it even anything apart from co-dependence? These are the questions I think about when I look back on this relationship. Did we ever really stand a chance or was the past holding us back?

About 2 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Ironic I reckon considering I am only 21 and when I met this guy I was 19. But I generally believed I found my soul-mate. It's funny because when he tried to connect with me I blew him off for 3 months and told him ''I'll get my PA to get back to you'' it was only after a while that I decided to give him a shot. Instantly we connected, we phoned each other every day and face-timed. I was shocked how better looking he was face-to-face. Every day we got to know each other more and more; the problem was he lived back in the UK this was not my first rodeo and I did not want a repeat of last time so I kept my guard.

He was meant to come to visit me before I came home for Christmas; however, at the last minute on the day he was flying over, he said he couldn't come because his anxiety was through the roof. To skip all the drama we had a big fight and things became strained. I was coming home a week after so I still decided to meet him.

He came over to my late Aunt's house. The whole family was staying over but everyone was out shopping for Christmas. I was so nervous to meet him. I don't really think I have felt that way before but the second we met sparks really did fly. Without being too graphic but the second we saw each other there was a HUGE sexual attraction. Within about 5 minutes we were ripping each other's clothes off but it felt so right.

I think instantly we both knew we wanted to be together. Those two weeks home was wonderful. He came over for Christmas and we met each other's families and any chance we could get to be together we did. It literally did go from zero to one hundred but it was perfect.

Here I had a guy that made me laugh, I fancied the hell out of him, had good morals, treated me like a queen, and I just felt so easy to be with him. Very soon into it we were planning to spend our lives together; we spoke about children, him moving to Spain, him taking a teaching degree we had it all planned.

It wasn't long after I came home to Spain when he came to visit. Lucky he could get time off from work so he came out any opportunity he could. Every time felt the same as it did the last. When we weren't together we would be texting or facetiming. Valentine's day was special; he cooked me such a cute meal and outside he had lit up candles in the shape of our names and gave me a promise ring. It was all I ever dreamed about (under this exterior I am a softie)

However as quickly as we fell for each other quickly things started to turn sour between us. As he opened up more to me the sooner I realized that he had some personal baggage from his past. I won't breach his privacy but it was dark. I began to dislike certain members of his family (this never goes well) and interferences kept trying to break us up.

You see the dark side to our relationship was that we could go from being on cloud nine and then reach rock bottom. We were petty and argued over stupid things like using the Spotify account at the same time, sometimes I would even cause arguments over nothing because I just wanted a reaction from him. Soon the relationship was failing because it was getting harder and harder to leave the past behind.

I was beginning to feel more like a savor and a ''fixer' rather than it being an equal partnership. It was like my life force was slowly draining me and I had zero time to think or feel anything other than what was happening in my relationship.

After some massive rows; accusations of cheating and lying about what happened on nights out I was done with the relationship and the drama. I would cause arguments over nothing. He came out for a make or break holiday and in the end, it broke us. We argued about something petty that led to a 2-day argument with me throwing my promise ring at him and our pictures (not my finest moment). We eventually calmed down and he decided to get on a plane home. It was literally the worst day of my life. I'm not sure what I felt - Relief? Heartache? Peace? but my heart truly felt broken. I have never cried like that over a guy in my life. To make matters worst I was listening to Lewis Capaldi ''lost on you'' I still can't listen to this song the same.

Him going home was an eye-opener. We were on a break- zero contact. We were meeting up in a few weeks to decide what was happening. During this, I got lost in game of thrones. I still say to this day it helped me get over a break-up. My life felt free again, I had time to think, time to breathe, and figure out where my life was going. So I decided no matter how much I wanted to be with him the drama was too much for me and I had to put myself first.

I still regret this as he deserved more respect. He text me during this period asking me the question ''are we breaking up'' I couldn't; lie to him so I had to tell him the truth. At the time I didn't really feel that bad but looking back now I could have given him more respect.

We had to meet a week later to give each other our clothes back. It was super awkward. I was happy to talk about any lingering feelings but he was really cold with me and had a bad attitude so instantly I knew we were toxic and it was for the best we broke up. We shared an awkward goodbye and that was that. I think from that experience meeting; he really pissed me off so I decided to go out a lot and kiss a lot of guys. It was really fun at the time because I felt surpassed for a long time so I rebelled and let loose.

Over time I began to miss him. Was it through bordem of being single or did I generally miss him? I think after a certain time after a breakup especially if it was toxic you can only really remember the good parts of the person but you do need to remember the bad parts and why you split.

As time goes on you begin to forget about that person more and more. A piece of advice my Mum gave me years ago was ''You can get over a relationship but you can't get over a death'' these are very true words. You may feel at the time that your life is falling apart but adversity makes you stronger.

I learned a lot of lessons from being with him.

1) Put yourself first

2) Identify toxic behaviors and patterns

3) Identify your own mistakes

4) Learn from your experiences and grow

5) Leave your past behind and take time to heal before you jump into something else

It took me a long-time to recover from this breakup. As previously mentioned you get over the feeling you had however it takes time to heal the wounds of the patterns and behaviors you created with each other. I am glad that I took time out from relationships and found myself through it. I achieved a lot with the help of me alone.

Try not to look back and regret what happened. Look forward and count your blessings because if something is really meant to be then it will.

Getting over breakups are not easy but try to find yourself again through all the chaos

Erin x